TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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