your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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