PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
