nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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