I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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