I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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