True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
