woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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