I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
