I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
