i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
