I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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