His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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