Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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