We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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