You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
