They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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