UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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