I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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