once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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