It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
