He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
