i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
