So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
