you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
