When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
