2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
