I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
