woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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