I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
