Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
