i was born a porn star she said
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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