my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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