i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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