she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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