when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
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Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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