I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
