Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
