captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
