As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
