college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
