I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
