Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We had to coat check the pizza.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
