Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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