im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
