If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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