I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
