literally had 100 drinks last night.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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