I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
