Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
