I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
