Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
