my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
