I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
40s are totally the cure
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
