guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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