you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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