I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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