just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
