I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
