I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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