I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
